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Unpredictions For 2017

Unpredictions For 2017

by The MoleDecember 22, 2016

The subtle sucking sound you may be hearing is the increasing drop in participation that started yesterday and is expected to exacerbate during the final trading sessions of the year. Which makes for increased intra-day volatility and the occasional stop run. ‘Tis the season after all – and when we’re not busy being run over by religious fanatics in weaponized tractor-trailer trucks at our local Christmas market, we’re now shifting focus on last minute errands and gift wrapping of useless trinkets guaranteed to be returned for soon to be illegal cash early next week.


For most people it’s been a rough year on practically all fronts: politically, economically, culturally, socially, as well as financially. Some of us didn’t even manage to survive the year and if you’re still reading this then you at least have the benefits an ongoing existence going for you. On the trading front it’s been brutal most of the year with only brief spikes of trading opportunities which we fortunately managed to milk for all they were worth. Not surprisingly participation on the blog has dropped a little but given the mess we’ve been through I think that we’ve done extremely well. While many other once popular trading blogs have long disappeared and fallen prey to social media over the past few years Evil Speculator is proud to count itself among the few who are still standing.

Unpredictions For 2017

I decided to post my unpredictions for the new year a little earlier as usual as I’m planning to take some time between Christmas and New Year’s Eve off. Although my body is slowly recovering from a nasty cold I am feeling the burn of what has been a hugely taxing trading year which required maximum effort and attention just to stay ahead of the curve. In other words, sometimes even the Market Mole needs a few relaxing days without looking at charts.

Once again if you happen to be looking for actual predictions of future events then I suggest you consult your local palm reader or better yet do what Yellen and her colleagues at the Federal Reserve have been doing since the onset of the financial crisis: gather for a seance with an unemployed actor channeling Alan Greenspan as the medium. So without further ado here are my predictions of events that will most certainly not happen in 2017:

  • Markets are going to go up, then they’re going to go down. And then up and down again. Then sideways. We nailed that one almost perfectly last year, expect that it was mostly sideways.
  • Once again you will dispense with following any structured rule based trading system and instead attempt to beat the market courtesy of your vastly superior IQ and your uncanny ability to predict future market movements.
  • As usual we here at Evil Speculator are going to post a myriad of setups and present hard earned educational trading wisdom on a daily basis. Most of which you won’t have time to appreciate as you’ll be busy heckling disgruntled Clinton supporters over on Breitbart. Lesson yet to be learned: Just because you’re running doesn’t mean you’re getting anywhere.
  • This year your wife is going to mix things up by buying you clothes that actually make you attractive to other women, but will then insist on making you feel guilty about it. That’s right, she still hasn’t forgiven you for blowing up her trading account.
  • Unlike last year this year you will not be dreaming about a shirtless Putin riding a white horse. Instead your nights will be haunted by a shirtless Trump riding a black bull across Times Square. Which by the way will be renamed Trump Square by the end of his presidency. Once again you will enjoy all that a lot more than anticipated.
  • Your mechanic is not going to rip you off as he’s now sleeping with your wife. On the upside your car is going to run on water and will not break down.
  • No Mexican waiter will be spitting into your drink in the coming year because by February they will all have been deported. Taking his place will be an underpaid gender neutral triggered Clinton supporter who will first urinate in your drink and then proceed to lace it with codeine (if you’re lucky). Just don’t call him/her/it ‘sir’ – you have been warned.
  • Once again terrorists are going to blow shit up when they’re not busy raping and maiming infidels as well as lousy tippers like you. Heck, at least some people are straight forward and consistent when it comes to communicating their agenda.
  • The weather is going to suck everywhere, except if you live in Southern California and are impervious to smoke inhalation.
  • Someone is going to break into your online bank account again but it won’t matter as you’re already broke. As a future precaution I recommend that you increase your Yahoo password from four digits to five. It won’t matter anyway because Yahoo employs an old copy of Norton Commander as its firewall.
  • Germany and Sweden are going to introduce mandatory chastity belts to be worn in public for any females between 14 and 72 as well as young boys between 7 and 14. The boys will be required to wear them backwards, unless they are gender ambiguous in which they will be allowed to mix things up.
  • Meanwhile the U.S. is going to introduce mandatory assault rifles for any male between 12 and 72.
  • Not to be outdone Florida will introduce a new Shoot First And Ask No Questions bill to replace its antiquated Stand Your Ground Law.
  • Trump will make America greater by annexing Canada. Curiously Canadians won’t notice much of a difference except that their Dollars will be suddenly worth more.
  • Mexico will build its own wall and even pay for it. However instead of spanning between San Diego, CA and Brownsville, TX it will separate Nevada and Arizona from California. Curiously the rest of the union won’t mind much and decide to leave it intact.
  • However the day after the inauguration of the Big California Wall the San Andreas fault will finally rupture and effectively turn Nevada and Arizona into beach front property. Problem solved, except that America will be technically smaller again, thus proving right all of Trump’s most ardent critics.

You all heard it here first – and probably last. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if much of the above would actually come true. If nothing else one thing I’m sure about – it’s going to be one crazy year full of surprises again. And Evil Speculator will once again be on the case all year to help you bank as much ill gotten coin as possible.


About The Author
The Mole
Mole created Evil Speculator amidst the chaos of the financial crisis in early August of 2008. His vision for Evil Speculator is a refuge of reason, hands-on trading knowledge, and inspiration for traders of all ages and stripes. You can follow him and his nefarious schemes at the usual social media waterholes.
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