The Evil Speculator Guide To Surviving Valentine’s Day

Of all the over-commercialized holidays none of them is more egregious than Valentine’s Day. Wikipedia claims its origin go back to Ancient Rome but we are convinced that some marketing genius pulled this one out of his rectum after a bad quarter. And since that dreadful day generations of men have been forced to engage in wasteful commercial activities they would usually only consider given either one or more of the following conditions:

a) caught cheating
b) not caught cheating but feeling guilty about having cheated
c) planning to cheat next week but bonbons were on sale today
d) excessive exposure to mind altering drugs
e) under duress caused by brain washing – (see d)
f) last ditch courting ritual after striking out (see e)
g) wife agrees to new sexual activity
h) wife agrees to discourage mother-in-law from visit

The list is not exhaustive by far but I think you’ll get the point. In case you didn’t – let me spell it out for you: Men do not like Valentine’s Day – and that would be an understatement. But like with many activities foisted upon men these days we all have to pretend that we do. Don’t even think about pulling a maverick by proclaiming to your co-workers or friends that ‘Valentine’s Day is for suckers’ and that you’re opting out. Do not do that. By the end of the day an angry mob will have gathered in front of your door step and the Department of Homeland Security will have collected incontrovertible proof of both your Hezbollah and White Pride memberships. You may as well tattoo the word ‘REJECT’ onto your forehead.

But just like in our daily endeavors to survive and perhaps even profit in the financial markets bitching and complaining about the state of affairs is not going to get you ahead. For we are up against a finely tuned machine and it’s happy to crush us unless we comply. Make no mistake – this is war. So to aid our readers on this dreadful day here is the Evil Speculator Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day.

1. Leave the country – reasonable but a less viable option these days as the St. Valentine cancer has now spread across most of the Western hemisphere. Just you try to explain to your fiancee that your boss sent you on a sudden business trip to Marrakech. And I’m not sure you’re safe there. The Arctic may still be on option and the weather may be better than on the East Coast right now.
2. Get arrested. Now hear me out – you don’t have to hold up a bank or bring down and an international airliner just to weasel out of Valentine’s Day – a simple misdemeanor will do. Use your imagination – for ample inspiration I recommend Jack Ass 1 and 2. And one night in country jail plus the bail money may in the end will still cost you less than participating in all the activities your new flame expects for Valentine’s Day.
3. Get punched and/or injured. Once again I would recommend to exercise caution – choose your victims wisely. Let’s say you decided to kick your new Mexican gardner in the groin. Beforehand make sure there are no prior convictions, possible gang connections, concealed carry licenses, etc. – you also want to pick a small one if possible. But not too small as you don’t want your girl to laugh at you when she picks you up from the hospital. I also recommend you punch him after he’s done with the garden and doesn’t carry any sharp tools.
4. Get sick. This evasive tactic is my preferred ‘get out of Valentine’s Day’ card. And easy these days – the cheapest way would be to buy a metro or Greyhound ticket and ride along for more than three stops. Right after head to the next medical clinic where you are guaranteed to be diagnosed with at minimum two of the following: pneumonia, chlamydia, lime disease, Hepatitis C, or leprosy if you’re lucky. It’s also a great way to get punched – see #3 above.
5. Get kidnapped. This one may be scary and maybe a bit complicated but there’s method in our madness. All you have to do is to invite your lucky girl to spend a weekend in Cabo San Lucas – you know – for Valentine’s Day. Beforehand make sure to get in touch with one of the Mexican drug cartels to arrange for your abduction. If I’m not mistaken they offer a special discount on Valentine’s Day and will promise to not cut off any viable body parts in exchange for ransom money from your girl friend. Make sure she brings all of her credit cards and that there are plenty of ATMs in the area. This pays for the trip and then some plus another side benefit of this strategy is access to illegal drugs during your stay at the house of your favorite drug king pin.

Once again the list above is by no means exhaustive but we are sure that it will point you in the right direction. We are always open to suggestions as this deplorable ritual is guaranteed to repeat itself next year. If nothing else there is a lesson to be learned here – when it comes to St. Valentine’s Day meticulous preparation is key. You do not want to be caught unprepared or you may find yourself waiting in front of an overpriced French restaurant holding a bunch of roses. And really – what man in his right mind would want to endure something like that?

Happy Valentine’s Day!