New Year Considerations 2016

It’s official, you have wasted yet another year on empty pursuits whilst documenting literally every vapid second of it on your ridiculous Facebook page. If you’re wiping away tears of regret right now whilst reminiscing the past 365 days of misery then let me remind you that you only have yourself to blame. For one, in your infinite wisdom you decided against joining as a Gold member here on Evil Speculator. Instead you spent the subscription money on lattes, frapuccinos, a camera stick, and a new iPhone because the one you bought six months ago had a scratch – on its protective casing. Which you now may have to sell on eBay for half the price (the iPhone sans the casing) because you blew up your wife’s account courtesy of a series of hare-brained trading decisions. That said, it may offer you some consolation that your ex-money is on good hands and will be appropriately dispersed amongst a carefully selected list of adult entertainment establishments.

New Year’s Considerations 2016

Now with the platitudes out of the way let’s proceed to our annual considerations for the new year. If you happen to be looking for predictions then please kindly mosey along as we don’t engage in voodoo or medieval practices here at Evil Speculator and thus clearly you’ve landed in the wrong place. Alright here goes nothing:

• The market is going to go up, then it’s going to go down. And then up and down again. Then sideways. Try to keep up.
• Remaining in full character you are going to make the same bone headed trading decisions that got you into trouble in the previous year. At least you’re consistent.
• We are going to work our assess off helping you to establish a reliable edge but you’re going to be ignoring most of it.
• Meanwhile you’ll be wasting your time reading ZeroHedge and exchanging Obama or Trump insults in the comment section.
• Your wife will buy you clothes that will make you subconsciously unattractive to other women. Recall that she hates you because you blew up her account.
• You will dream about a shirtless Putin riding a white horse. Strangely you will enjoy it more than anticipated.
• Your mechanic is going to rip you off.
• The Mexican waiter you insulted will spit in your drink. Again.
• Terrorists are going to blow shit up – that’s just what they do. Who said we’re losing our traditions?
• The weather is going to suck on days you care about and will be great during work days. No exceptions!
• For U.S. readers: You will elect a new president who will end up disappointing you. Either way you’re getting what you deserve.
• Someone is going to try to break into your online bank account 12,768 times this year. Fortunately you changed your password to four digits now.
• You will have forgotten all your New Year’s Resolutions by January 5th. Alright, make it the 7th.
• Evil Speculator will be bigger, better, and we’ll continue to bank our unfair share of ill-gotten gains. Now that’s something to look forward to.

And that is it – my last post of the year! I’ll be slaving away in the coming days to complete our site redesign, which as you can tell is not yet complete. Still quite a bit of work left on the navigation front but everything is going to be ready to roll early next week.

In the interim, here’s me wishing all of my intrepid readers an alcohol lubricated slide into the new year! Unless of course you’re Chinese and are following the wrong calendar. Some people just can’t be helped.